Groundhog Death

Alas pour Mel, I knew him Horatio…..

2022 has been yet another year from hell. And to confirm it, Milltown Mell, the world famous Groundhog from Milltown New Jersey, not only saw his shadow, he died. Whatever he saw was so traumatic it killed him.

According to USA Today, the county would have had issues with covid anyway, but the celebration had to be canceled. It was reported by Mel’s “wranglers” on his Facebook page that “Milltown Mel recently crossed over the rainbow bridge.”

Personally, I’ll bet he’s not really dead. My money is on just a really deep hibernation. I’ll bet when they try to bury him he’ll squeal bloody murder and go on a vengeance rampage that will impress John Wick.

Woah! You shot my groundhog and now I’m coming for you sucka!

The second possibility is that Mel is chilling in the Bahamas drinking a Mai Tai, laughing at us ignorant humans while he gets a massage from a beautiful prairie dog. I mean, lets face it….aren’t we all just a little sick and tired of winter? The Starks keep warning us it’s coming, but bro, I think it has been here for a long time. I think the last fifty years has been one long winter where the Truth has lain fallow because there isn’t enough warmth of human kindness to bring it to flower. And damn it….my Mai Tai is empty! My workers need to work harder so I can afford the large sized Mai Tai! How is a Groundhog supposed to impress a Prairie Dog on these measly billions I have?

The day all the dead groundhogs crawl out of their graves hungry for brains.

Of course there is always the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it is totally likely that Mel saw this in his vision, and died from sheer terror. The irony is he likely meant to prevent the apocalypse, but somehow his death is going to bring it on. Who knows though, maybe it will just be hordes of groundhogs, muskrats, and squirrels, and maybe instead of brains all they will want is nuts. Crazier things have happened. It would be the most frightening thing to happen since The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Or at least since the last presidential election.

Another possible vision would be a nuclear war transpiring because of the whole Ukraine issue. In the end, all humans might die, and animals would mutate and evolve and become the intelligent species on the planet. I asked my dog if she thought that was possible, but she just barked and licked my hands.

Magnetic forces slowing down my brain……

I think the strongest possibility is that Mel saw the future that our corrupt politicians and greedy billionaires are leading us into. Mel saw the enslavement of the masses, the machinations of the media moguls, the dehumanization of everything we value and love. A world where children are harvested for their blood so the vampire overlords can stay young forever. Where corporations program for profit the Artificial Intelligence programs that will run our lives because after all, we are not smart enough. We would just ruin everything we touch. We have given the masses over two centuries to get their act together, and instead all they have done has been to drive up debt, eat glutinous fast food, breed like disgusting rabbits, steal from their neighbors, rape their children, and kill themselves with drugs.

Maybe the overlords have a point.

“Curtis, what in the world is your point? Have you been eating paint chips again?”

No. My point, if I have one, is a groundhog died. And that is sad. According to the following website, Mel lived to be seven. That would be……getting the calculator out….very roughly one hundred sixty three for a human. So we have the Father Abraham of groundhogs. And his last vision was likely some dream of mating with his groundhog love from five years ago, or eating alfalfa sprouts from some kind human that used to scratch him behind the ears when he was young. And that is a better (and more likely) story than all this nightmare crap I’ve been spouting.

I would say this is the typical Tulsa driver, but frankly he drives too well…….

So what am I trying to say? Today, not much. My dog is howling at me to be petted, and I can’t find my copy of Groundhog Day. In the end, why don’t we all just be nice to each other, and maybe someone will give me a positive comment about the groundhog post I made while drinking a couple shot of rum.


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