I’ve been writing about the “shadow side” of femininity, starting with the Karen, and then moving into women being attracted to douche….er…..to abusive men. I have written two posts about the latter topic, including science establishing that they do, and exploring in the second post with why some of them do this. Now I’m going to explore the thorny topic of what can be done about this.
I’m going to discuss this topic on three fronts. I’m going to discuss what women can do about this situation, I’m going to relay what men can do about this situation, and last of all I’m going to explain the paradox of mating: why it really is in our best interests for the opposite sex to be strong.
I start with what can women do, because frankly, intuitively I think women suffer the most from the situation, and I also think they are the ones who, frankly, bear the most responsibility to make the change. If we rely on abusive men to change, we are frankly setting our whole species up to fail.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/head-games/201310/why-do-women-fall-bad-boys
The first thing the woman needs to do to help herself is to be her best self. In the first and second article above, we know that some women want it all, but if they are not nearly “perfect” themselves, a woman may stagnate in her apparent inability to get “it all,” and will all too often settle for an abusive, but good looking and seemingly wealthy partner. “Nobody will ever love me.” If her physical appearance is the best it can be (alas, there is almost as little point of trying the change the zeitgeist that the beautiful woman is the prize for a man, as there is of trying to change a woman’s mind about seeking the strong successful type. Rather than complain, we should just deal), she will feel less willing to accept abuse, feeling she can attract a better lover. So the make up, the nice clothes, the grooming, it may seem shallow on the surface, but it actually is one of the smarter things she can do.
Second, she should work on her personality. If her attitude is good, that is inherently more attractive, and she will feel this, and be less willing to accept abuse. So the whole PMA movement, cheesy as some believe it to be, may at least help a woman to a better mate, so there is no harm in looking in the mirror some days and telling yourself “you’re good enough, smart enough, and dog gone it! Men like you!”
Last of all, do some mental work. We are all attractive in our way, not someone else’s way. You may not be able to attract the same way Marilyn Monroe did, but you may be more like the great seductress Salome, basically using her intellect to lead some of the greatest minds in Europe astray. According to Robert Greene’s classic work Seduction, you figure out how you are most attractive, and who is most attracted to your type, and then decide who among the most likely candidates you want to attract, and then set your sites on them and get to winning their heart. I know….sounds simple, and really isn’t, but a woman who feels she is desirable because she knows how she is desirable, and the kind of man (or frankly, woman, I think these principles likely apply across the LGTB spectrum as well) who will find her attractive, has the confidence and competence to find the lover she wants, with no need to compromise her safety (in her mind) just to be loved.
So we have a strategy for women, what can men do about this situation?
The most obvious (but overly simplistic answer) is for us all to simply stop being jerks. The Feminist Movement’s answer can ( I think) be fairly summed up with the phrase: “get out of the way.” But I think the first answer is illegitimate on the grounds that only the men who actually care are going to follow this advise. The Dark Triad types will either blow this off, or pretend like they are caring for the simple manipulative reason that this gets them what they want, and we end up right where we started. The second is frankly even worse, because (again) only the men who care will follow this, which only paves a more perfect path for Dark Triad men to totally dominate the dating scene unopposed. In other words, these are the strategies we have been using, and they have failed both (good) men and women miserably. Only the Dark Triad men win in the extreme cases. This is the evolutionary reason why it happens, until it hits such extremes that it threatens the survival of the species, it has been the most stable system. And you thought you were fighting the patriarchy all this time, when all you have been doing has been to fall into their clutches.
The best thing for men to do is essentially, the reverse strategy of women. In other words, be the best man you can be, and likely you will have a better chance of attracting the woman you want, taking her off the market for the douch….er….Dark Triad types. Doctor Jeremy Nicholson says it this way:
“Given that, if you already have a successful career, you would be better off spending extra time in the gym. If you are already physically fit, then work on your personality and charm. The only exception to this rule is that, if you just want short-term sex, then simply max out your looks, masculinity, and sex appeal. Otherwise, the guy with a bit of balance seems to have the most satisfying long-term relationships.”
He goes on to say that you are (like the women) better off if you know what you want, and seek the right kind of woman who can meet most of those needs.
So men and women both can do something, but perhaps some of you (twenty year old me would be) feel a bit hollow about all this. “So Tired Blogger….you’re telling me women are being beaten, raped, and murdered…..and your answer is just to be excellent? What a crock!”
And maybe so. But I do think the best answer we have is for both sexes to be living by the Golden Rule. Not an unsophisticated version like a teenager might exhibit. But a thoughtful grown ups version. “I am the best man I can be, because not only does that lead to my best life, but makes me the best husband for the woman I love and best father for our children.” “I am the best woman I can be, not only because it is my best life, but it makes me the best wife to my husband, and the best mother to my children.” I’ll examine this a bit further.
I think most of us have this need to be needed. And when I say we should both be strong, I think a lot of people are thinking that this would remove the romance. I don’t think so. Because we basically need each other, any way, being strong mainly means that your partner will need you in a less painfully needy way. I’m going to leave some more links for further reading for those who are interested.
Meanwhile….what did you think? Is there a better answer that I am missing? Have you had experiences about this topic? Are you a narcissist who can give me tips on how to wrap my girlfriend around my little finger? Oh yeah….I forgot to mention the simple solution of simply enjoying being the abuser….what….? The police again!? I can’t have any fun I guess.
To me….this actually goes without saying. However, I realized before I hit “publish” I didn’t say anything about women learning how to protect themselves. I think men and women both should. Believe me, the ruthless sometimes need to just be knocked on their asses, and it is just that much sweeter when a woman does it to him….
Tired Midnight Blogger (What Blogs at Midnight) 
Remember looks fade! Not every women/ men is shallow.
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True statement. And I know my looks are fading fast. The woman I love has (I think) little idea of how much I love her. Somehow I have a great talent of angering her. But I do believe we both try our best to be attractive for each other. For example, I would probably shave half as often as I do, but I do it to please the woman I love
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