Ranting about how messed up the world is, espcially Oklahoma.
Author Archives: Curtiswselby
They say not to write a blog from a tired space, but I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, so frankly, everything I do is from a tired space. Likely I'm not doing the greatest job of search engine optimization. But I know there are others like me. Passionate about life.
Some material in this post may not be appropriate for all audiences…..viewer discretion is advised…..oh…..who am I kidding….like anyone other than spammers and bots reads my stuff anyways……
My vision of the world…..everyone else is dancing with beautiful members of their preferred sex…..meanwhile Drill Sergeant Ronald Lee Not Reagan Ermey is telling me what a dumbass I am….
Thank you everyone who reads and comments on this post, you don’t know how gratifying it is to me. I honestly do try to write things I hope ya’ll will enjoy. Generally I try to write funny things about serious topics, not so much because I don’t understand the gravity, but to make it palatable.
But I think it time to write about something more fun…something more lighthearted…..one of my readers has suggested (not even kidding here) that I write a post on…..wait for it…..the etymology of f-cking! I mean….the word f-cking…..I think sharks invented f-cking……yeah….sharks….two sharks came together and made baby shark dududududuuuuuuu. (Why do I feel I’m gonna regret this?)
The more you know……
Working on the admirable advice of ND who has been graciously commenting and giving a respectful but differing opinion, instead of being lazy and starting my quest with wikipedia (hey….what can I say…..? I’m a tired blogger and I blog at midnight….your lucky if you even catch me sober) I begin with ActiveBeat.com. I look up “etymology of”….well….you know…..and I find this wonderful article….
I haven’t finished reading it yet, but so far it is chock full of fascinating things….most of which I already knew….not about f-cking….or the word “f-cking.” Just cool history.
William the Conqueror depicted on Bayeux Tapestry. His military advisors may have been pissed about crossing the channel with a bunch of stinking horses…but ya gotta admit they were snazzy dressers.
According to this article, it is at least possible the word “f-ck” was part of the language all the way back to antiquity. Michael Castleman (author of the Psychology Today article, porn star, or Marvel superhero….you be the judge!?) tells the apocryphal (yeah, he tells you it is apocryphal….don’t ding the poor guy for “spreading disinformation….) story about how the Pilgrims came up with the word….I quote “As the story goes, early Massachusetts settlers who fornicated out of wedlock were punished by confinement in special stocks bearing the legend: For Use of Carnal Knowledge. The first letters of these words form the acronym “fu*k.””.
Frankly….it was fascinating when I first read that five minutes ago, but now I find it totally boring….why wasn’t it inscribed on the axe that cut off their heads? Or the poker/iron with which they branded a scarlet “A” on adulterous women? For such a thoroughly exhilarating topic, it is a very boring story…can we do better than that?
The poetry of William Dunbar has the first printed “fukkit” that we know of. I don’t know if this particular book is the one with the swearing, but the two folks on the cover look like they might be starting to demonstrate…..
The earliest printing of the word comes from 1503, when William Dunbar printed “fukkit” in a poem. In 1535 we have the poet David Lindsey complaining about the clergy: “Bishops may fu*k their fill and be unmarried.”
Digging just a bit deeper, we find the origin of the word comes from Old Norse-Old German; it was originally “fokken,” a word meaning “thrust, strike, or penetrate, and by extension, to copulate.” But those old pagan cultures did not view it the way later Christian creeds did. “Fokken” was fine, unless you “fokken” my wife. Then there is an honor duel, Hamlet kills his uncle, and the bbw sings.
Here we have an image of Odin from some obscure source….I believe Odin is saying “Ragnarok is coming eh….well….Fokket!”
So if the old Norse and Germans had no stigma on doing the nasty….why did it become such a terrible curse word?
The answer lies with the Bayeux Tapestry, which I cryptically posted but haven’t yet listed why that is part of the story. The Battle of Hasting in Oct. 14 1066 changed the course of English history and the language itself. William the Conqueror was a French Norman. After the conquest old French became the language of the nobles, and middle English was spoken by the conquered peasants. So the old English words became uncouth, and the nobles only used them in scorn. That is why a living bovine is named by old English “cow,” but you butcher it and put it on the noble’s plate, and it is a “steak.” So between nobles we have “les sexe,” “les rapports sexuels,” “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi.”
I have no idea who is in the right, but when I read the reports of Depp’s testimony, it reminds me of my marriage….but then, war atrocities also remind me of my marriage…..
I was really torn about whether or not I would blog about this topic or not. I have to admit, having been in an abusive relationship, I identify with Johnny Depp. But my significant other, who has been in an abusive relationship, points out that women do suffer terrible violence from men who often put on a facade. So I’m going to challenge myself to attempt to write about this objectively. Y’all please let me know in the comments if you think I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. Examining this case, I will discuss three things:
1) Abuse victims tend to attract abusive partners. The abuser needs someone who is used to execrable treatment, normal people would never put up with their shtuff!
2) Narcissists and those with Borderline Personality Disorder often seduce their victims with a strategy called by survivors a “love bomb.”
3) This case has riveted us so much because we are all aware of a deep divide between the sexes that has gone on all of my lifetime, and it is a microcosm of what many of us go through.
One thing I’ve leaned is there are differing levels of crazy. I know about some of my issues because of therapy, and because of years of deep introspection and journaling. But the Narcissist and the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder…..not Boston Police Department) often actually don’t see their behavior as the problem.
On my first point…..abusers love to prey upon the abused. Possibly some of this is due to the weakness of psyche you experience after abuse, but I think the main reason is they know on some level they are going to treat this person badly, and someone with healthy self esteem just won’t put up with it. So when we are analyzing the case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard….which of them has suffered abuse in the past?
Johnny Depp has admitted to suffering from abuse as a child, saying that his mother was verbally abusive, and that his father would just walk away when this happened. Amber Heard says her father was an alcoholic and violent. So both came from abusive families, which sounds about right. Either one of them could be the abuser.
Jack Sparrow’s best line in my humble opinion. A person can marry a Narcissist BPB. But you can never get them to care about anyone or anything but themselves.
I remember when I first started dating my ex wife, she was the sweetest, most loving and kind person I had ever known up to that time. She basically made me the center of her world, treating me like a king and a hero. Once the ring was on the finger, however, all bets were off. I’ve recently joined a Facebook group, Male Victims of Female Narcissists, and it is crazy how many go through similar experiences. But in the interests of fairness, let’s examine the testimony as it stands.
“Yes….I’ve done embarrassing things….like my movie Conan……so of course you can share you most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done…..wait….you did what? Where? Get the hell off my movie!
I bring this up because Johnny Depp’s testimony about how wonderful things were when they were first dating all sounds familiar. I quote from an article about his first day of testimony:
“In Tuesday’s session, he testified…about the early years of his relationship with Heard, saying she seemed “too good to be true” at first.”
“She was attentive,” Depp said of the woman he married in 2015. “She was loving. She was smart. She was kind. She was funny. She was understanding … We had many things in common, certain blues music … literature.”
He said there were little things, though, that gave him indications of a rocky relationship ahead. She became upset, he said, when he broke an established routine in which she took off his boots for him when he came home. And he said she was angry when he wouldn’t go to bed when she was ready.
“I didn’t understand why, as a 50-some-year-old man, I couldn’t go to sleep when I wanted to.” he said.
Depp, 58, said he was cognizant of the age difference between him and Heard, 35.
“I acknowledge the fact I was the old, craggy fogey and she was this beautiful, creature,” he said.
But Depp said that within a year and a half, it was as if Heard had become another person.
Amber Heard with Johnny Depp on the set of Rum and Gin Dummies. Boy, say what you like but the makeup job on ol’ Johnny is top notch….what….? That’s not Johnny Depp? That’s Amber Heard’s first wife? Never mind.
So we have Johnny Depp’s testimony about being “love bombed,” but I can’t be fair here, as I would like. Likely it is out there, but I don’t find anything from Amber Heard describing the beginning of their relationship, and she is going to testify next week. If anyone has any information, please let me know in the comments. And likely we will all know more in a few more days. But at this time, all this tired blogger knows is, JD claims to have been “love bombed” AH is silent on that, but claims to have been abused by an alcoholic, drug using husband. And in all fairness, I wish to point out that there is not enough here to make a true diagnosis (even if I were qualified to do that, which I am not).
Here Amber Heard presents to the court definitive proof that Johhny Depp did in fact start lopping off his own fingers at age fifty,,,,,,
Last of all….it has been established by in depth psychological analysis that the person who cares the least in a relationship is the one with the most power. That is often the reason why narcissists wield so much of the power in a relationship (and this is true of both men and women). It is called The Principle of Least Interest, and you can read about it here:
Huh….American Gothic is way different than I remember it being….
It’s honestly one reason why abused, battered women and men often stay in the relationship for years or decades after everyone has told them to get out. They love the other person. And we’ve all been told that “love conquers all.” We have begun to wake up to how women can be oppressed with this myth, but we rarely discuss (or care) how it can on occasion be the man that is mistreated and he stays because he loves her so much….and surely….if I just live her better….if I hadn’t made her mad….I shouldn’t have said that. In the end, we have to realize it is the abuser who is at fault. Does that mean we should taunt the abuser….no. Is there room for sympathy for an abuser….well…..I think in some cases, though honestly, as a survivor of abuse myself, it is not easy to feel any sympathy for those who bully their partners (we’ll leave the discussion about those who abuse children for another post).
Amber Heard is pictured here reacting to the 2013 movie The Lone Ranger. She was quoted as saying “It was inevitable, I always knew I would one day have to gouge my own eyes out, this was it.” The court psychiatrist stated that while yes Amber was a flaming psycho, Depp’s performance in this turkey merited what he got.
On my last point, while I have my own take on it and frankly my own predisposed beliefs, the truth of the matter is, I don’t know who did what to whom. We have a lot of testimony, photos, and videos, that should frankly embarrass both of them. But this case has taken center stage a lot more deeply than most celebrity debacles do. I look at a list of last years celebrity divorces….and I frankly don’t remember any of them. I know maybe half of the names, and don’t even care to research any of them. Yet this case has caught my attention to the point I’ve written a post twice the size of what I intend to write, and the nation has practically forgotten covid. Why is this?
There are five love languages, and these two exhibit two strikingly different love languages. JD’s love language is hats that make him look like the Joker, and AH is defecating on the bed. She was just marking her territory.
The divide between the sexes in my lifetime has been, in my humble opinion, a tragic crime. I don’t know who (other than maybe Satan) to lay the blame on, but I honestly think there are not many more destructive elements in our culture than this division in our houses. I’ve read the stories of pioneers, heard my grandpa tell me the stories of his dad, who was a pioneer in Oklahoma. If the man and the woman did not band together and face the difficult world around them as a team, they and their children were all dead.
Are we really so arrogant now, as to think we can take on this world, which is at least as cruel as it was a hundred twenty years ago in my great grandfather’s day, without the love and aid and comfort of the Other? Are we really all so selfish that we think we can just beat (physically or mentally) our partners into submission and make abject slaves of them? Too many men (and yes….too many women) think it is their right to dominate and not care about anyone else.
No, I don’t really know who is right or wrong here (I suspect neither has done right by the other). I don’t intend in this post to really pick a side, especially since Heard has not given her testimony yet. I’m going to leave two links that I think make good cases for both sides so readers can make up their own minds:
I haven’t found a balanced video yet, and yes, this one is basically pro Johnny, as a lot of them are. I post it because I love the statement of Depp’s friend: “I’m tired. What I want is for her to heal and Johnny to heal.” Whoever did what to whom, both seem to me like broken people. I hope they do in fact both heal.
Stalker, a virtually unknown fantasy series from the seventies. It had an incredible impact on my psyche when I was learning to read. Maybe this is why I am so weird.
In my last post I began discussing the topic of soul suppression, societies demands that we power through whatever the cost, and never show any pain or emotion. I’m going to explore this topic further, and also discuss how I came to be “a man with no personality,” who eventually found his own way….if not into the light, at least I found my soul. Shattered, shriveled, and pathetic. But I now have a soul.
I’m going to discuss three things:
1) The ancient idea that we should aspire to be beings of pure mind without emotion. Why that seemed a good idea, and why it really isn’t.
2) The modern ideal of “the professional” and the struggle to find meaningful inspiration, and yet turn off the chatter that holds us back.
3) I’ll discuss the silly comic book I referenced above, and tell you how a series that only lasted four issues and was all but forgotten largely shaped the man I became.
The classic Greek Academy. Socrates taught that self control was key. You couldn’t really master other people when you couldn’t even master yourself. I don’t know if Will Smith ever slapped Socrates, but ol’ So Crates sure had fun in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
The ancients were people like us, they had a love-hate relationship with their emotions. On one hand, you can feel inspired by love to move mountains. On the other hand, a broken heart is terrible. Losing a loved one can make it so you don’t even want to live any more. And of course, none of us wants to deal with the crazy emotions of other people. “They are so emotional. They are so dramatic.” Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle seemed to be proponents of at least keeping a strong control over emotions, and the Stoics often seem to be telling us to ignore our emotions altogether. The good part of this is, it can be a good thing to keep a tight reign over your emotions, especially in times of crises or war. The bad part is, ignoring your emotions too long can lead to lots of psychological and health problems. You might avoid thousands of dollars in therapy bills if you just learn healthy ways to express those emotions.
Controversial in some schools of thought, but there can be benefit from Shadow Work, if only to learn about your own weaknesses.
To be professional often means to be emotionless. Technically it means: “The skill, good judgment, and polite behavior that is expected from a person who is trained to do a job well” (Webster’s Dictionary). And I have no issue with that. But I think companies expect too much when they expect someone to endure abuse. I remember a company I used to work for had a policy that if someone was being abusive to you on the phone you were allowed to warn them three times and then hang up. This policy changed somewhere in my first year, you were not allowed to hang up. You just had to take it. Which would not have bothered me….except I am pretty sure the CEO and the VPs of said company would have tolerated zero abuse from anyone. Yet the cowards not only hide behind people who make one five hundredth of what they make, they also would not allow these employees to retain any dignity. It wears on the soul.
And we wonder why people no longer want to work…..
If you have ever worked a Black Friday at a big box store, you know what I am talking about. Paid pennies over the minimum wage, these employees literally risk their lives facing actual hordes of people. I took this image from an article that reports a large retailer refused to pay a $7000 for an employee who was trampled to death.
When I was a child, I was super sensitive, and I hated it. I made myself impossible promises that I would not feel certain things. I failed miserably. I’ve already spoken in another post about this, but I only talked about the popular influences in the media at the time. The most influential was a fly by night comic book put out by DC in 1975.
These were the comics DC was pinning their hopes on in the mid seventies. Other than the superhero lines, I think most of these mags went extinct the same time disco did.
They advertised in their comics their superhero line, their horror line, and you can tell they were expecting a lot out of their fantasy line. Most of the fantasy lines did not last long. I think none of the fantasy lines they put out that year lasted more than a dozen years. But the guy in the center, who looked like a demonic Robin Hood, to me he was the coolest, yet his comic lasted only four issues.
The character was called Stalker.
Here they are. I had the fourth one, by far the best one. The others are ok, but in the last issue they told an epic tale of a man who had lost his soul, and fought his way through Hell to get it back.
In the first issue, Stalker is a starving orphan living on the streets. He sells his soul to an evil demon god named D’grth in exchange for the abilities to be the greatest warrior in history. To put it in D&D terms, he received maximum stats and insane levels in exchange for his soul. But unlike most deals with the devil, D’grth took Stalker’s soul while he was still alive. He wandered that world for two issues, seeking information on how to get his soul back. I suspect the fourth issue was supposed to be a story line that ran for months if not years, but they crammed an epic quest into that one issue. Stalker faces several challenges, unbeknownst to him, D’grth was testing him to see if he was a fit servant. The Demon’s dark intent was to forge the greatest servant he had ever had, with Stalker passing test after test, but the last test D’grth expected to break Stalker to his will, and then he would unleash this warrior on the unsuspecting world.
D’grth viewing chess like pieces of his servants, musing over how to best use them, and lusting for the power he will wield when Stalker turns evil and ravishes the world.
But Stalker proves himself even more worthy than D’grth expected, and passes every test. When he approaches the Infernal Palace that houses D’grth, instead of walking up to the throne and pledging his allegiance, he simply turns away….and makes his way to the purgatory where the souls of warriors reside.
Stalker turns his back on the Imp who has “helped” him make his way through Hell. The Imp is stunned to find that, instead of succumbing to the temptation to lead the armies of Hell, Stalker chooses to find his own path.
He leads an army of spirits who were too violent to go to Heaven, but too just to actually be in the flames, and they storm the Palace.
I won’t give away the ending, if you can get your hands on the fourth comic it is well worth the read. But ever since I have had a respect (likely a very negative aspect of my personality) for those who were ruthlessly willing to do whatever it takes for a worthy cause. Not for wealth or fame, but for a soul, or the life of someone you love, or for the glory of God.
Now as a grown man, I know that most of this is sheer silliness. But it colored how I lived as a youth. Ignore pleasures. Do your studies, do your farm work. The only pleasure I indulged in before I ran away from home was reading.
And that Stalker comic? It was my favorite till the day I bought Batman: A Death in the Family. Likely still in my top ten. I lost that comic when I ran away from home, as I didn’t take any of my old comics with me. A good friend bought me all four, and I’ve only read them twice since I’ve had them again. But it is good to know that the road to Hell was already scouted by Stalker. He prepared me for the real world better than you would think. The determination to face the horrors of the world, even though you have nothing to hope for, something very epic about that. Too bad in real life, you eventually have to find a good reason to pick the sword back up….Well, I’ll end with a lil somethin’ somethin’ from Robot Chicken.
China was praised for their hardline stand on locking down society and making short shrift of Covid. Now Shanghai is a ghost town as twenty six million people are locked in their homes.
Covid has dominated the news so long, it sometimes feels as though our entire lives have been this oppressive lock down fear. But it has actually only been two years. A mere four percent of my life. No biggy.
Everyone who hasn’t been trapped on a desert island for three years knows about the pandemic. We’ve been told we were going to die, that we are bad people who wanted Grandma to die if we didn’t obey the latest mandate du jure. One group mocks you if you wear a mask and calls you a sheep, the other group calls you a Nazi if you wear one. The beauty of it is, not only are we all polarized and hating each other and ourselves, there is no way to win. No matter what you do, you are the bad person.
I applaud our masters. Truly they are enlightened. When the AI enslaves us all and we end up in prison camps….pray you don’t end up in the same one with me……I will so happily grant you the just rewards for how well you have guided our society into hell.
Here we have a line of people waiting to get tested in Shanghai. I love the pom, but I have dark visions of angry police clubbing the lady for not having a mask on her dog. While that is just my weird imagination, there have been many reports of pets killed in efforts to curb the disease.
According to Russel Brand, helicopters have been flying over the city, broadcasting orders to “suppress your souls and stay inside.” Along with this report he showed chilling videos where people were screaming in their apartments by the hundreds or thousands. The video reminded me of a horror film, but oddly, I didn’t feel a real chill till I heard the phrase. “Suppress your souls.”
I’m not going to say much more about what is going on in Shanghai. Reuters, Insider.com, Russel Brand, or even the Fake News on both sides will give you better coverage than a tired blogger. But I have something to say….(it’s better to burn out then to fade away….there can be only one!!!! Eyahhhhhh!)
In the song, The Garden of Allah, the devil comes up into our world, only to find our corporations have already done his work for him….”there’s nothing left for him to claim.” RIP Kurt Douglas.
I realized today why I was getting the tinglys from this. It’s because China simply has the kahunas to say what society has insinuated all of my life. “Suppress your soul. Don’t think for yourself. Don’t follow dreams. Don’t make waves. Don’t rock the boat.” We have this incredible paradox in our culture…..on one hand we worship hedonism and tell everyone that we are free to do whatever we want. But on the other we idolize empty, soulless things.
I’ll give three quick examples.
1) Spock was the hero of my generation, in part because he was emotionless. Emotions cause so much of our pain.
2) James Bond, or frankly any “good” character who is still able to kill without flinching, or to bed a woman but not get attached, is our hero. No love means no pain.
3)The Terminator has been an icon for decades. While “he” is a horrific villain in the first movie, I notice the sequels try to make “him” a good guy. And I’ll discuss that a little in a bit.
She Blinded Me With Science!
Star Trek debuted a few years before I was born, and Spock was a big fricken’ deal from the beginning. Even as a child, the appeal of someone who was super intelligent was enormous. And while he sometimes failed to control his emotions, the fact is that I had been taught that my feelings were all bad, and that I’d be happier if I didn’t have them. I still love the character of Spock, I do still believe in controlling your emotions to a reasonable extent. But I now know that a lot of the idea that science is free of emotion is pure bunk. The recent Covid debates demonstrate….often the person telling you to control your emotions is just a narcissist who only wants to control you.
The example of James Bond is a bit harder to analyze, especially in a quick paragraph.
James Bond and Doctor Who….two very different kinds of heroes…..I’m 98 percent sure your favorite Bond is pictured here. I’m still grieving the lost of some of Roger Moore and Sean Connery. RIP. I hope Heaven was well stocked with martinis shaken, not stirred.
James Bond is not entirely emotionless, but the character as portrayed by Connery and Roger Moore is absolutely in charge. Even his massive libido serves his purposes. He falls in and out of love when he wants. He is the one in control, and no woman dominates him. He dominates. So of course….tons of men want to be James Bond. I can’t speak for women, there must be at least a fair number of them that like the character, as he has been so successful so long. But for men, he is the ideal man’s man, always capable, never at a loss, almost never turned down, always able to get the woman to ultimately do what he wants. Sheer fantasy. And for most of us, sheer nonsense. But still a lot of fun.
Last but not least is The Terminator.
“That Terminator is out there…It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!”
The Terminator is an unfeeling, efficient killing machine. He is the ultimate in terror in some ways because of his soullessness. But oddly, people feel a connection with him. With me, it was because I need sometimes to turn everything off if I am going to actually do the things I need to do. I have to shut out the pain and, as best as I’m able, feel nothing at all. I wonder if that is why they made him the good guy in most of the sequels. “I sold my soul today, because I no longer wish to feel. Hasta la vista, baby.”
A lot of words to say….the world pressures us to turn off our souls. A lot. Don’t show you love her. Take it like a man. There are no excuses. Honestly, sometimes that likely is a good thing. Shut off the disgust, jump into the sewer, and save the child that fell down there.
Take an eye for an eye Turn your heart into stone This is all I have lived for This is all I have known
Tired Midnight Blogger (What Blogs at Midnight) 